the sunshine cleaning

I call you beautiful and welcome you home.

Before you come, I climb up on all the tables to reach the windows and let the light in. I walk the five miles to my favourite flower shop to buy the lavender and the snapdragons. I hang the art I started making the day I stopped crying. I fix the cushions. I make the bed for you.

But there is pain here. There is damage underneath the bedsheets. Holes behind the artwork. I buy new flowers every morning because they all die daily.

And I keep stumbling upon messes I forgot to clean up.

the harm & the bleeding

internal bleeding. they don’t call it that but it is. once a month but not really. pours down and reminds of the damage. red that’s not from your deepest wounds but might as well be. the pain from both is excruciating.

the city streets are pretty but that’s all lately. getting tired of a place where you aren’t beside me. tired of everything. knowing I’ve hurt you but only wanting your arms. hold me closer while I bleed. I promise I can love you better than I have been.